They sleep as the night falls.
WHEN THE MUSIC STARTS
She wakes up on the ground. There lays the wrapper next to her. She has a little bit of drool on her check. The phone rings which lays against the picture of her ex boyfriend. The one that left her for a skinner girl. She answers it. Hello. It's her mom. Honey, i need you to walk to the bank and pay a bill for me? she asks her. Ok, but where's the money to pay with? ----The mom stays quiet for a while. It's under my bed but just grab 2 hundreds and nothing more. She shrugs. Ok, mom, bye. She then hangs up and goes to her stereo and puts on Summer Skin from Death Cab and blows the speakers loud. She begins to dance for no reason. Maybe cause she's happy or sad or just glad to be alive. She dances her heart away.
His eyes open; awake and alert. He's laying on his bed with the pink sheets. He hears some music from next door that woke him up. He likes the melody as he smiles and begins to do a little dance laying down. He turns to his right and his mood changes. He sees a picture of his wife. He crys feeling lost without her. She completed him and now she's gone. He thinks about the guy that did this to them. His name was Ryan. He thinks about Ryans rugged face. Ryan was a bum. He begins to think of all the torture he wants to do to Ryan. His heart fills with hate. The song from next door changes to Reptilla from the strokes which he really loves and begins to dance in anger, love, frustration, peace and all that makes up him.
WE ARE ALL SOMEBODY
She turns off the music. She then goes to her moms dusty room and goes over to her bed. She picks it up feeling for the money with her hand. She grabs 2hundred dollars and then finds a ten dollar bill. She keeps it thinking that errands aren't free these days. CRACKCRASHBOOM. She hears a window break. Dang kids playing baseball again.- she says to herself. It came from the living room. She goes to the hall leading to the living room. There stands a man with a gun.
He's getting dressed for work. He's about to put on his tie. Coffees brewing for him in the kitchen. He looks at himself in the mirror. He looks rugged himself. He's starts putting on his tie but he hears a scream from next door. He grabs a bat as he begins to run.
She trys to run but he grabs her and puts the gun to her head. This rugged looking man starts telling her to shut up. I can't believe your fat ass thought you could run from me. I bet you could run if i threw a twinkie in your face. Her face turns red. All this builds up inside her as she remembers the kids in class saying the same thing about her; all the anger she's expressed. All the reasons she hates herself and wishes she was dead.
He tries to run across the lawn. His bones are so weak from the lack of meat they are missing. It takes him a while to reach the door as he is struggling to hold the bat still as it dangles from his hands. A gunshot is heard. He runs faster. He begins to allow himself to run free. He reaches the porch.
She then full of anger decides that this is it. She must fight back. No more will she allow herself to be thrown around. She headbutts him with the back of her head as bleeding from the nose he lets go. You stupid bitc- She runs to the corner as he shoots a shot blinded from the blood in his eyes. He begins to go crazy.
Once he reaches the porch he trys to open the door which is locked. It's locked from the inside. Another shot is heard as he hears a man yelling. He also hears a scream from inside; a woman's voice. He runs to the lawn towards the broken window. He then runs with all his strength and all his anger and jumps through the window holding the bat.
He jumps through the window and lands on the carpet next to the criminal. He then hits him from under his leg and strikes him once in the arm which causes him to drop the gun. He hears a sigh of relief. She feels safe as she runs outside as she opens the front door and goes to the lawn and sits breathing hard, scared. He looks at the man in his face. This rugged criminal. The criminal wipes the blood of his face. The criminal looks at him in his eyes. The man looks at the criminal in his eyes and sees the man who has caused him his life. It's Ryan. Ryan laughs as he thinks of what a small world this is. The man grabs the bat and begins to smash his head in remembering what he's lost and what he's become. He lets it all out as his veins pop from his arm. She sits there as she can see the bat move up and down through the window. It stops as then he walks through the door. Sirens are heard in the distance. The man goes over to the girl on the lawn and sits with her still holding the bat. My names Julian, he says. I'm Samantha, she adds as she shakes his hands.
Julian drops the bat on the ground. Are you ok? Samantha thinks about what he said and if she's really ok. Yeah, i just decided i'm going to karate classes. Julian laughs. I just decided i'm going to mcdonalds. I'm hungry. Samantha laughs also. I'm jogging near there, you want to come? Julian smiles as everything makes sense. It all happens for a reason. They begin to walk down the road as the cop cars zoom by them. They walk in the distance, entering the world.
WHEN THE MUSIC STARTS
She wakes up on the ground. There lays the wrapper next to her. She has a little bit of drool on her check. The phone rings which lays against the picture of her ex boyfriend. The one that left her for a skinner girl. She answers it. Hello. It's her mom. Honey, i need you to walk to the bank and pay a bill for me? she asks her. Ok, but where's the money to pay with? ----The mom stays quiet for a while. It's under my bed but just grab 2 hundreds and nothing more. She shrugs. Ok, mom, bye. She then hangs up and goes to her stereo and puts on Summer Skin from Death Cab and blows the speakers loud. She begins to dance for no reason. Maybe cause she's happy or sad or just glad to be alive. She dances her heart away.
His eyes open; awake and alert. He's laying on his bed with the pink sheets. He hears some music from next door that woke him up. He likes the melody as he smiles and begins to do a little dance laying down. He turns to his right and his mood changes. He sees a picture of his wife. He crys feeling lost without her. She completed him and now she's gone. He thinks about the guy that did this to them. His name was Ryan. He thinks about Ryans rugged face. Ryan was a bum. He begins to think of all the torture he wants to do to Ryan. His heart fills with hate. The song from next door changes to Reptilla from the strokes which he really loves and begins to dance in anger, love, frustration, peace and all that makes up him.
WE ARE ALL SOMEBODY
She turns off the music. She then goes to her moms dusty room and goes over to her bed. She picks it up feeling for the money with her hand. She grabs 2hundred dollars and then finds a ten dollar bill. She keeps it thinking that errands aren't free these days. CRACKCRASHBOOM. She hears a window break. Dang kids playing baseball again.- she says to herself. It came from the living room. She goes to the hall leading to the living room. There stands a man with a gun.
He's getting dressed for work. He's about to put on his tie. Coffees brewing for him in the kitchen. He looks at himself in the mirror. He looks rugged himself. He's starts putting on his tie but he hears a scream from next door. He grabs a bat as he begins to run.
She trys to run but he grabs her and puts the gun to her head. This rugged looking man starts telling her to shut up. I can't believe your fat ass thought you could run from me. I bet you could run if i threw a twinkie in your face. Her face turns red. All this builds up inside her as she remembers the kids in class saying the same thing about her; all the anger she's expressed. All the reasons she hates herself and wishes she was dead.
He tries to run across the lawn. His bones are so weak from the lack of meat they are missing. It takes him a while to reach the door as he is struggling to hold the bat still as it dangles from his hands. A gunshot is heard. He runs faster. He begins to allow himself to run free. He reaches the porch.
She then full of anger decides that this is it. She must fight back. No more will she allow herself to be thrown around. She headbutts him with the back of her head as bleeding from the nose he lets go. You stupid bitc- She runs to the corner as he shoots a shot blinded from the blood in his eyes. He begins to go crazy.
Once he reaches the porch he trys to open the door which is locked. It's locked from the inside. Another shot is heard as he hears a man yelling. He also hears a scream from inside; a woman's voice. He runs to the lawn towards the broken window. He then runs with all his strength and all his anger and jumps through the window holding the bat.
He jumps through the window and lands on the carpet next to the criminal. He then hits him from under his leg and strikes him once in the arm which causes him to drop the gun. He hears a sigh of relief. She feels safe as she runs outside as she opens the front door and goes to the lawn and sits breathing hard, scared. He looks at the man in his face. This rugged criminal. The criminal wipes the blood of his face. The criminal looks at him in his eyes. The man looks at the criminal in his eyes and sees the man who has caused him his life. It's Ryan. Ryan laughs as he thinks of what a small world this is. The man grabs the bat and begins to smash his head in remembering what he's lost and what he's become. He lets it all out as his veins pop from his arm. She sits there as she can see the bat move up and down through the window. It stops as then he walks through the door. Sirens are heard in the distance. The man goes over to the girl on the lawn and sits with her still holding the bat. My names Julian, he says. I'm Samantha, she adds as she shakes his hands.
Julian drops the bat on the ground. Are you ok? Samantha thinks about what he said and if she's really ok. Yeah, i just decided i'm going to karate classes. Julian laughs. I just decided i'm going to mcdonalds. I'm hungry. Samantha laughs also. I'm jogging near there, you want to come? Julian smiles as everything makes sense. It all happens for a reason. They begin to walk down the road as the cop cars zoom by them. They walk in the distance, entering the world.
posted by Vanilla Rebel | 8:09 AM
1 Comments:
I was interested all the way through. Here's a few suggestions.
1. The choppy sentence structure (all simple sentences starting with the subject -usually "He or "She" work well in parts, but consider varying your structure in other parts. The harsh choppy rhythm will be even more effective if it is not used throughout.
2. Think of a way to at least hint at Ryan's motives.You don't have to explain them, but get the reader to think about them.
3. In the end, they go to McDonalds with blood dripping off of them and leave Ryan's body there? They aren't even phased by what happened. This is really strange.
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